dregslist

new york craigslist > manhattan > services offered > skilled trade services

Date: 2009-09-20, 4:29PM EDT
Reply to: serv-msjqg-1383926893@craigslist.org

Are you trying to get noticed? Do you need to get your message out there as LOUD as possible? Hire me. I’m a professional screamer, and I’m here to get your message ACROSS and INTO PEOPLES MINDS.

Did you know that human beings have no ability to close their ears? We have no earlids! When I start screaming, you start listening, because you have no other option! Science has shown that the louder a message is delivered, the more likely it is that a person can hear it.

Now if you want a screamer, get the best. My screams are so powerful that they have been clocked at upwards of 760 miles per hour. To put this in perspective, this is faster than even the fastest tennis serve, jai-alai hurl, or major league baseball pitch. In fact, my screams travel so fast that if you lashed together the arms of Randy Johnson and Johan Santana, the two of them COMBINED would not be able to get a ball to home plate quicker than my scream!

I was the Mount Edgar High School Debate Team champion on account of all my peers refusing to compete against my constant screaming. I referred to the debate room as a “sound gauntlet.” In my professional career, I have disrupted countless poetry readings, townhall meetings, and congressional confirmation hearings with my in-your-ears approach of shouting at people as loud as humanly possible. I don’t allow people to respond because there is simply is no recourse to a man who is screaming high pitch noises while swiveling his head like a siren. This kind of power can be yours!

I am willing to scream anything for you, from “WE HAVE INJECTED CHEESE INTO A PIZZA” to “CONGRESS SHOULD BE MURDERED.” Promotional offers, political advertisements, or general disruptive yelling – I will do it all including:

- Reminders of which sports team sucks
- Objecting to weddings at the last second
- Bursting into courtrooms
- An assortment of chants, including “USA”, “THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE,” and “SHAME!”

Your alternatives are all lousy. Targeted flyering may get a point across, but only my screams can effectively drown out every other competing point. There isn’t a billboard in the world that can disrupt a peaceful protest for Tibetan independence by screaming “FREEEEBIRD” at no one. At least no billboard I ever heard of! Television and radio commercials can be muted with a touch of a button, but the only way to mute my screams is to puncture your own ear drums. Given that alternative, it’s much more likely that people would rather hear that “MENS SPORTCOATS ARE 25% OFF.”

So e-mail me. Let me know what you are trying to pound into people’s minds. We’ll talk. My reply will mostly likely be in all caps.

Please note, I am also willing to fake being a wheelchair.

ERICH