Looking to give away dog

new york craigslist > manhattan > community > pets

Date: 2011-02-23, 8:03 PM EST
Reply to: comm-njege-2231363458@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Hello, I am looking to give away a disgraced purebred Boston Terrier. It is a female. It responds to Sasha and its stage name Ezra “Quotation” Mark. It may not remember these names anymore because I haven’t said a word to it since February 14 and because it is stupid. It is four years old.

Over the years, I have pumped tens of thousands of dollars into manicures, laser eye treatments, and canine orthodontics for this creature. In return, I expected it would at least place at Westminster. At its debut, the dog trotted five steps down the astroturf and took a big wet dump in front of 5000 of the world’s most influential dog breeders and then ate it and played in it. Then it sprinted to a table of judges and licked all their faces with its fecal tongue and finally it went up to the five year old daughter of the president of the AKC and urinated on her thigh. My dog and I were cuffed and led outside where it had a full blown seizure. There is a 25 page article dedicated to this event in the March 2011 issue of Dog Fancy. Westminster has hired a PR firm to deal with the fallout.

I’ll throw in the $300 shampoo I used at shows, a bunch of dog tiaras, dog mints (ok for human consumption), and its dewormer for free. Also you can have its 8.5″x11″ glossy headshots and all the pads of paw signature ink. I gave all of its outfits to Goodwill. I don’t care. I am just sick of the idiot look this thing gives me with those big wet eyes like it wants me to acknowledge it. I do not love it anymore.

I don’t know why this happened but frankly I do not care to find out. The dog’s veteriarian probably would not answer my phone calls even if I tried. I want this dog out of my life and if you can find some reason to love it or if you can squeeze some utility out of it, more power to you.

Shots are up to date.

Replies

To: comm-njege-2231363458@craigslist.org
Subject: Boston Terrier

Hello,
I will come get her tomorrow!

To: comm-njege-2231363458@craigslist.org
Subject:

What is your dogs AKC number and registered name?

To: comm-njege-2231363458@craigslist.org
Subject:

if there is truly a dog to adopt–ill take him. no stage mom me. :-)[phone number redacted]

To: comm-njege-2231363458@craigslist.org
Subject: We would love to have Sasha

We would love to take Sasha home. We do not need any of her photos, tiaras, or anything for her… we have anything she would need for a loving home. We would love to get her a.s.a.p. Please call me at [phone number redacted].
Thank you so much

To: comm-njege-2231363458@craigslist.org
Subject:

I HOPE THE DOG TAKES A WET SHIT ON YOUR FACE WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING, YOU STUPID, SELFISH, MORON!!!

Anal sex me while I give birth – w4m – 36 (Gramercy)

new york craigslist > manhattan > personals

Date: 2011-02-20, 4:38PM EST
Reply to: pers-sbfp8-2225104710@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I’m 36 yo single mother of two with number three on the way. I’m 8 and a half months pregnant right now and I’m just about ready to pop! I’m a believer in ecstatic birth, which says that giving birth is the most soulful sex act possible. I have felt it in person: When I homebirthed my last son, Phoenix, I avoided all the sterile and unnatural elements of a hospital operating room. Giving birth in my bathtub, I was free to allow wave after wave of orgasm roll over me, peaking just as his soul slid out of my canal. As my son came, so too did I.

I have consulted with my spiritual midwife and she has agreed that for baby number 3 I could take things a bit further: I want a man to come and share the joy of birth by making love to my anus as my child crowns. I have already experienced anal penetration and I have already experienced orgasmic birth. Now it is time to combine these two sexual activities and absolutely maximize the sacred sexual potential of my body’s portals. As one exits, another enters.

Any man replying to this ad must be okay with entering himself into me, deeply, me while I bring a life into this world. You should also know birthing is a long process, and I’ve always felt that the baby will arrive only when he/she is ready, so the ability to maintain a state of extreme arousal for a good long time is a must. This sexual birth will of course take place in the presence of my spiritual midwife Mana, my parents, a few neighbors, my two other children, and at least one video recorder (so that the new baby can watch his/her own birth later in life.) You should know that a newborn also comes with a lot of presents (placenta, afterbirth, blood), so if having anal sex in the presence of these natural things is upsetting to you, please do not reply to this ad.

Remember: Your role is a sacred one. After the analling and birth is complete you will be welcomed into the family as a godfather of the child.

Please send a picture and I’ll be in touch :)

Lune

Replies

pers-sbfp8-2225104710@craigslist.org
Subject: re: Anal sex me while I give birth

While I admit this is uncharted terrain for me, fuck it – I’m game! ;-)

Reply with your pics if you like what you see and are still interested.

8gb iPhone 4 stolen from Joseph Gordon-Levitt

new york craigslist > manhattan > for sale / wanted > cell phones

Date: 2011-02-10, 11:40PM EST
Reply to: sale-tddhq-2208384655@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I am selling a used 8GB iPhone 4 stolen from the actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I nabbed this one of a kind phone from a film set in Manhattan while JGL was filming some kind of bicycle movie. Keep in mind that when you buy this you are not only getting the regular features of an iPhone 4, but also the extras that come with a phone formerly owned and operated by Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Contacts:
Get all of JGL’s contacts. There’s a John in here. Could it be John Grisham? Jon Stewart except JGL spelled his name wrong? Itsall yours to discover. There’s also a listing for Tyler. Could be Mary “Tyler” Moore? You get to find out when you buy JGL’s iPhone 4. You can also call “Ma” and pretend to be JGL though this will probably only work once.

Photos:
Not a ton of photos in here, but there are a few good ones. One is of a black man and Joseph Gordon Levitt embracing ata dance establishment. Visions of racial harmony. Also there is a humorous photo that looks to be taken by JGL of a subway station sign “CANAL STREET” that has been graffitied to read “ANAL TREET.”

Music:
Some good tunes in here. You are basically getting $100 of music for free, plus the knowledge that this exact MP3 of All my Friends by LCD SOundsystem has been pumped into JGL’s ears (It’s the most played song).

Browser:
Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Safari app is full of his old search information including searches for “huge gun,” “momofuku ssam bar nyc,” “yelp review totonno’s pizza,”, and “cross section of a dog” Many good searches in here for you to scroll through.

Text Messages:
LOTTA interesting texts. Couple from from JGL to his brother just sayin what’s up and then the next day it seems like his brother burned himself fire dancing so then there are some expressions of true JGL concern. Literally hundreds from some dude named “Yoki Angel” that are basically a bunch of weird emoticons i’ve never seen before. I’ll show you more in person.

Calculator:
Contains the number 544. Maybe his bank code ;)

Angry Birds:
Try and beat JGL’s high score it’s basically like playing against him in person

The price is $150. The phone will work until ehwnever JGL shuts the service down remotely.

UPDATE: This iPhone 4 now contains a very rare furious voicemail from Joseph Gordon-Levitt himself!!

Redhead looking to go REALLY wild

new york craigslist > personals > casual encounters

Date: 2011-01-27, 11:11PM EST
Reply to: pers-gb3uz-2187809201@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I am a 21yo redhead and I want to get FUCKED. NOW.

Regular sex has gotten too boring. I’m sick of just hair pulling and fisting, I want to do something REALLY weird and fetishy and maybe make someone’s night. Use my body like a fuckdoll, tattoo your name on my tits, I don’t care I just want it TONIGHT. Please be specific with requests or I won’t respond.

I’m on 37th and Madison. Will travel but not too far.

[Photo of beautiful naked redhead]

Replies

To: pers-gb3uz-2187809201@craigslist.org
Subject:

How about a forced anal rape fantasy come alive.  Are you still looking…

To: pers-gb3uz-2187809201@craigslist.org
Subject: red head alert

sure loved to tattoo your tits with my name bent you into a pretzel fuck you in the ass fist you and choke you all at the same time and then give you a major face fucking and bust my nut all over your face and the do it all over again if you want.

To: pers-gb3uz-2187809201@craigslist.org
Subject: Redhead looking to go REALLY wild – w4m – 21 (Midtown)

I open the door, you are on all fours.  You don’t move.  You don’t do anything unless I say.  You are an object.

To: pers-gb3uz-2187809201@craigslist.org
Subject: HOT INCEST ROLL PLAY

how about some hot bro/sis incest roll play with a nasty golden shower and hot JO session in your mouth, I can bring a friend if you like 2 on 1

To: pers-gb3uz-2187809201@craigslist.org
Subject: looking good here your pic

would you tie your hair in a pigtail

To: pers-gb3uz-218.
Subject: Here are some Really Wild specific ideas!

Hi, 
I’m 31, but look younger and I’m a single white male marketing professional. I’m 6’3″ tall, long brown hair, dark brown eyes, medium build, very good looking. 
I would like to try some of the following: anal rimming, unprotected sex ending in a creampie, and giving and recieving golden showers.
I live in Jersey City, so I can take the PATH train to midtown in 40 min door to door if you want me to come over. But, I can host at my place too!
 I’m into listening to Psytrance music, watching independent movies, psychedelic art and books. Check out my picture…my number is [removed]..call or email me directions,
Sincerely,
[removed]

To: pers-gb3uz-2187809201@craigslist.org
Subject: Rape

I love a dirty whore that things she’s into everything kinky well how bout rape play. I want your address and tell me when your usually home leave the rest to me ill trick me way in and rape the shit out of you if your truely a freak you’ll love it I might even leave you tied and gagged and invite some friends or random guys to use you too. If this is what you like let me know well set it up. I have done this before aand loved it. We will have a code word so you know your not really being raped and a safe word if it gets to be too much for you.

To: pers-gb3uz-2187809201@craigslist.org
Subject: Redhead girl wants to be used – w4m – 21 (Midtown)

I’ll put a baseball bat in ur ass while i’ll make you suck my dick and you are pushing back against wall to make the bat go deeper in your ass.

To: pers-gb3uz-2187809201@craigslist.org
Subject: Redhead girl wants

hi my name is [removed] !! first of all you’re ad is really nice it caught me so far so i will go straight to the point, and i will touch base from all my nature’s a bit and we can discussed everything specific soon, would you considered, i’m 28yo,5/10 w/144 nice almost 8” slim e-z going guy i can say i’m a very loyal guy.,and very respectful ,i would be my honer to get to know you and comfortable to each other and  and im DD free i can show prove for that i have done ALLL kinda kinky stuff whatsoever im into ANYTHING as long it is kinky ,,,
i like mostly the same just general going out and inside fun as well o i’m not pushy type at all,i like to take thinks step by step, making sure every1 is comfortable with, the most caught in you’r ad is cause you like to be very genuine and a nice personalty well to be honest i toke some massage classes a while ago I’m not that professional but i definitely know how to give a nice massage and relax your bones and so on so just keep in mind it this add some points for me if not its cool,
 to be more honest, I’m Jewish orthodox hope you don’t mind, if u do i respect that, (sound a bit more kinky to do it with an a religious guy though
im working guy on my on own schedule working in financing for life insurance
I live in williamsbug  I drive, well please feel free to ask any questions as well ,hope to qualified ,,,
thanks for you’re time ,and appreciate you’re reply
reply if it’s ok will go from there

To: pers-gb3uz-2187809201@craigslist.org
Subject: Philip

If you like I’ll give you my # for us to get to know each other looking.foward thx

please make the moon stop following me

new york craigslist > all community

Date: 2011-01-23, 2:09AM EST
Reply to: comm-tfzmd-2199759703@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

please. i need help. the moon will not stop following me. i have tried so hard to get away from it. i have moved five times.

i am lance armstrong’s second cousin. this sounds a lot like neil armstrong. the moon mistakenly believes that i am related to the astronaut. it is trying to take revenge on all armstrongs after neil had the hubris to believe he could claim it for himself in 1969. i did no harm to this moon. i did not stab it in the face with a flag.

the moon can see through clouds. it knows all my secrets.

i masturbated last week and did not close the curtain. the moon saw me touch myself, and now i have a shame.

i screamed at a fat man last week because i was angry at him. i did it during daylight. i did not know that the moon can be seen at times during the day. this was ambush.

i am scared that the moon will tell my friends and my parents and my little sister all my secrets. it will use morse code to do this or use a tide.

it needs to stop. please. sometimes it comes closer. i have tried to contact nasa about it, but i think they have blocked my phone number and my email address.

please, if you are an astronomer who has a direct line of contact with the moon, or an astro/cosmonaut with a scheduled moon landing in the near future, PLEASE contact me. i cannot give you a lot but my gratitude. i do not want you to threaten the moon at first. try to reason with it. ask if what i did wrong, why it won’t leave me alone.

if this does not work, however, then you are to scare it until it vacates the sky. tell it that we will colonize it. tell it that we will terraform it or strip it of its virgin ores.

if the moon does not listen, we are to use a laser to destroy it.

do not read this post outdoors or near an open window or a photograph of the moon. the moon has learned to read.

contact me.