Date: 2010-02-08 17:45:49
Title:(domestic gigs) hard niggas in need of some dental work

Please allow me to introduce some hardass niggas in need of help. Were the Crown Heights Crips and we run the Heights like Stalin rule Europe. Straight niggas hard like fucking frzen diamonds you heard? Kind of niggas that never even seen a balloon. Fools thatgive you a look all like “WHAT?” when you even so much as say the word corduroy

But look we having a hard time finding a dentist. Nobody in our crew has got dental insurance cuz just ain’t a thing we got. No perks. We got some real bad teeth problems too. Rad C got his grill put in by some ghost-looking nigga in a warehouse and we’re prettysure them diamaonds were just Bedazzled onto the thing. Not sterile by a sight. Omal has a big hole in he tooth and one of ems turning black and blacks the color of a rival gang of ours. He smile and somone gonna straight shoot him in the brane. We got a dude we call Jolly Rancher and I bet yall can guess why he got problems.

There are the kind of pipe swinging niggas you seen on TV and then there are the kind of niggas they can’t even showon TV. We are those niggas. We usually ask for help with a fifty cal bullet into some niggas ear so this is new. You mustbe able deal with people that got all kinds of rap sheets and warrants out on us. We committed murders, murders even when specifically told not to, leaving trash just wherever on the subway

So look we need you to come be our gang dentist and you gonna get paid whatever it is you want: Rock, ice, gash, butt-gash, spraypaint. You name it. You can even join up wtih us or something if you want. we’ll call you oral B.

Remember this though - you fuck up our teeth and we fuck up your teeth. So be careful

Compensation: dont worry

Date: 2010-01-29, 12:26 AM EST
Reply to: gigs-yqtm4-1581664310@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I THINK I JUST SWALLOWED A GLOWSTICK. WHAT DO I DO??? SHOULD I THROW IT UP OR WHAT? I WAS AT A RAVE, TRIED DOING ADVANCED RAVE TRICK.

OH GOD IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN CRACKED OPEN. ALL THAT PLASMA. I FEEL HOT MY EYES HURT

EDIT: I BEEN GETTING A LOT OF REPLIES TELLING ME TO GO TO CALL 911. I DONT HAVE ANYMORE MINUTES WITH BOOSTMOBILE SO I NEED HELP FROM CRAIGSLIST. HELP ME

To: gigs-yqtm4-1581664310@craigslist.org
Subject: re: SHIT I JUST SWALLOWED A GLOWSTICK

911 is free

use ur neighbors phone

There are options if u r for real.

To: gigs-yqtm4-1581664310@craigslist.org
Subject: re: shit i just swallowed a glowstick

Hi,

I caught your listing on CL and I think you are just the type of guy I
am looking for.

I do not have much experience with guys. I’ve only given and received
oral, but I am up to try anything you like to try :)

Here’s my info: 21 years old, 5′11, athletic(160 pounds), 7 inch cock,
clean & std free, blonde hair, clean-shaven, boyish face.

I’m available practically anytime after 6 p.m including tonight and I
have my own house so I can host if necessary.

Let me know if you’re interested.

~Jeff

To: gigs-yqtm4-1581664310@craigslist.org
Subject: re: shit i just swallowed a glowstick

u gotta leave it in there & hopefully it’s still intact - if it is ur fortunate cause then u won’t have to go to the doctor for a cystoscopy - it’ll glow from the inside & if u have any polyps it’ll show up thru ur stomach - no radiation or x-rays needed - no anesthesia & no specialist fees - if it’s not out in abt 4 days, swallow another so one’ll push out the first - if u have any probs, just get back to me - ok!

Date: 2010-01-26, 1:03AM EST
Reply to: gigs-wg3dg-1572562730@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Every mother out there knows how much trouble it is to have kids. You spend nine sleepless months listening to the surrogate mother calling you and screaming some moon language in your ear like, “”Боже мой живот болит!” Then, after all the mess goes away, the baby is delivered to you and you get to enjoy your new child. But even these few weeks of novelty eventually erode into an endless stream of chores and crying. It just gets in the way of everything decent you want to do with your life.

So I have these two terrible kids, Kelly and Tyler, and I am just sick of dealing with their shit. God they’re wretched. I did well on my own for awhile, but I guess you’re no longer allowed to drop kids off at the Met at 8 AM and pick them up again at 8 PM. So I’m looking to pay someone to take care of them - someone to make sure they have the best childhood a mother can give them without giving them a mother.

A few things you should know about this job:

Kelly is 8 and a girl and Tyler is 6 and a boy and one of them likes drinking orange soda. The girl one isn’t allowed to touch her toys because they’re all priceless collectibles and are to remain IN BOX AT ALL TIMES. Her training heels start at 3.5 inches and I hope to graduate her to 5 inches by the end of the year.

They both have some kind of Autism where they can’t touch plastic or they just start screaming in a goddamn high pitched way at just the right frequency to make everyone at Bloomingdales just STOP EVERYTHING and look over at you. They also don’t like being hit so make sure to use that your advantage. And one of them is allergic to bees or powder or something.

Any candidate for this job must have a Masters Degree from a top tier university. Nothing but the best for my offspring. I also expect the children to become fluent in French, so make sure this gets done by you. Please note that I have done nothing to facilitate this learning process.

I will have my cell phone on at all times so you can call me if anything happens. My number is 9-1-1.

Pay: $4/hour + Lunchables

Date: 2010-01-25, 2:01AM EST
Reply to: sale-gfcgk-1569185560@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I have hundreds and hundreds of gigabytes of trance music from all the greatest acts of today, yesterday, and (depending on how things turn out) tomorrow. I have spent countless hours downloading this music on the web and as result I have let my boat get rusty and decayed. And even though trance music can mend rifts between cultures and religions, even though the most melodic buzzing from DJ FALK cannot patch up a hull.

Artists include:

Frank Bluemouth
DJ MAPS
L.O.D.E.
HyperPlane SmileZ
DJ GEORGE COSTANZA
Gross ImagiNational Product
PuZZy
Shanks of the Dawn
Industrious Genomics
MC Morose
ZYMON and R-FUNK-L

You name it, I have it.

I will Fedex you all 38 DVDs once you have completed repairs on my boat. All music is in lossless FLAC so you can hear every click and metallic squeak in full quality. If you want lossy MP3s, you frankly do not deserve this music.

In lieu of boat repair, I would be willing to accept an equal amount of lossless house music.

Date: 2009-09-20, 4:29PM EDT
Reply to: serv-msjqg-1383926893@craigslist.org

Are you trying to get noticed? Do you need to get your message out there as LOUD as possible? Hire me. I’m a professional screamer, and I’m here to get your message ACROSS and INTO PEOPLES MINDS.

Did you know that human beings have no ability to close their ears? We have no earlids! When I start screaming, you start listening, because you have no other option! Science has shown that the louder a message is delivered, the more likely it is that a person can hear it.

Now if you want a screamer, get the best. My screams are so powerful that they have been clocked at upwards of 760 miles per hour. To put this in perspective, this is faster than even the fastest tennis serve, jai-alai hurl, or major league baseball pitch. In fact, my screams travel so fast that if you lashed together the arms of Randy Johnson and Johan Santana, the two of them COMBINED would not be able to get a ball to home plate quicker than my scream!

I was the Mount Edgar High School Debate Team champion on account of all my peers refusing to compete against my constant screaming. I referred to the debate room as a “sound gauntlet.” In my professional career, I have disrupted countless poetry readings, townhall meetings, and congressional confirmation hearings with my in-your-ears approach of shouting at people as loud as humanly possible. I don’t allow people to respond because there is simply is no recourse to a man who is screaming high pitch noises while swiveling his head like a siren. This kind of power can be yours!

I am willing to scream anything for you, from “WE HAVE INJECTED CHEESE INTO A PIZZA” to “CONGRESS SHOULD BE MURDERED.” Promotional offers, political advertisements, or general disruptive yelling - I will do it all including:

- Reminders of which sports team sucks
- Objecting to weddings at the last second
- Bursting into courtrooms
- An assortment of chants, including “USA”, “THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE,” and “SHAME!”

Your alternatives are all lousy. Targeted flyering may get a point across, but only my screams can effectively drown out every other competing point. There isn’t a billboard in the world that can disrupt a peaceful protest for Tibetan independence by screaming “FREEEEBIRD” at no one. At least no billboard I ever heard of! Television and radio commercials can be muted with a touch of a button, but the only way to mute my screams is to puncture your own ear drums. Given that alternative, it’s much more likely that people would rather hear that “MENS SPORTCOATS ARE 25% OFF.”

So e-mail me. Let me know what you are trying to pound into people’s minds. We’ll talk. My reply will mostly likely be in all caps.

Please note, I am also willing to fake being a wheelchair.

ERICH

Date: 2009-08-20, 1:15AM EDT
Reply to: comm-rcqs7-1332498071@craigslist.org

Hey friends, I’m Dan Smith. I’m just writing this ad about my ability to teach you rock and blues guitar. Actually, this isn’t so much an ad as it is a one-way conduit of information allowing me to tell you that I am going to teach you rock and blues guitar. You may be asking yourself at this point, “Why do I want to learn rock and blues guitar?”

I DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND

You are going to learn rock and blues guitar because I am going to teach you rock and blues guitar.

THINK OF IT LIKE THIS

- It’s 2035, and a meteor is about to crash into the earth. The world government is organizing a huge cave city to save the best parts of humanity. They will need someone to play them rock and blues guitar. Will it be you? Yes.

-There is an mutant virus, and the only cure is rock and blues guitar. Who is going to play that rock and blues and guitar? It will be you, because I will teach you. I’m Dan Smith.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:

Q: When can I stop learning rock and blues guitar?
A: No.

Q: What do you think about the Israeli/Palestinian conflict?
A: In the days of King Solomon, problems like the division of Jerusalem would be solved with rock and blues guitar.

Q: What is your favorite musical note?
A: Rock and blues guitar.

Q: Who did you vote for in the 2008 US presidential election?
A: Mike Huckabee.

Q: How do you find the time to teach so many people rock and blues guitar?
A: I am five hundred years old.

Q: How long have you been playing rock and blues guitar?
A: I teach rock and blues guitar, but I don’t play rock and blues guitar. I have no arms.

Q: My family is going on vacation to Istanbul for a few weeks so I might have to hold off on my lessons for a while. Is that okay?
A: When you get to your hotel, knock on the room two doors to the left of yours. Dan Smith will teach you rock and blues guitar.

Do not bother to reply to this ad. I will be at your place in five.

Reply to: pers-vwwfp-1265310466@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-07-11, 7:52PM EDT

SALUTATIONS.

I am a 33rd degree Freemason (as stated previously in the title to this post) and I am seeking a 32nd degree Freemason for rituals and other relationship utilizations. If you need further explanation than you should please stop reading this post and clear your internet history and delete your cookies.

In order to respond to this ad, you must be a Level 32 Mason and you may not have intentions to become a level 33 Mason for the duration of our union. This is because I seek to have the ritualistic, speaking, and marital advantages that a higher Masonic rank warrants.

I am glad you understand. (I know you understand because you have read this far. Thank you.)

MY INTERESTS

- Triangles
- Intricately arranged candles
- Songs consisting of humans moaning in dead languages
- Complete darkness
- The Sphinx
- Sacred Geometries
- Echo-filled chambers
- Mystical orbs

MY HATES
- Ovoids
- Wicker

If we see pyramid-eye to pyramid-eye, then please contact me via e-mail. I will not respond. My intentions will simply register with you via the aether.

-REFSTADT

Hello, I am looking to be murdered.

If you are interested, please kill me.

Regards,

Andrew

Replies:

To: pers-1140481401@craigslist.org
Subject: hello

do you have any pictures?

Reply to: pers-1153656082@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-03-01, 2:29PM EST

HELLO craigslist. I ama very real woman who exists in reality in the three dimensional world of people. I seek a real man who is real in the non-internet type as well! I am fun energetic and very girl who is want to be with a good man. i like the nature in the center park of new york city where i currently live i n my real bodie. do you live here too and we could become close? As a person I have certain other body parts including my bosom which it is over flowing from my torso. They are what americans call flesh protuberances.

I am 17 years and 364 days old and tomorrow i am curious could you take my virginities? by the multiples of virginities i mean my vrigina and my mouth and my rear hole or “anus.” I want to be knowleged so i need a good teacher!!

Please be awarned though that my womans parts are very tight. I wnet to a viginia doctor and he said, “MY WORD I HAVE NOT SEEN SUCH A TIGHT PLACE” and then he went blind.

Now thta i have proven i am a real ladie (with my words i wrote) i need you to prove you are a real man by sending credit card. please email me with your picture and information and also several credit card numbers sothat i can know that you exist for actual

NO MASTERCARD THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE

-Anna

Replies:

To: pers-1153656082@craigslist.org
Subject: REALLY??

gimme a call at ********* [removed]

Reply to: pers-1055656031@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-03-01, 2:29PM EST

I am a 24 y/o male living in Chelsea and all I want to do is make your craziest fantasies come true. Whatever your sick fucking mind wants, that is what I will do.

Let me know what you desire, and I will get in touch with you to set something up.

I’m serious about this, I can host, and I will do absolutely anything you want. Treat me like shit, dress me up, ruin my furniture, ANYTHING.

So many replies:

To: pers-887058891@craigslist.org
Subject: DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ME - m4m - 24 (Chelsea)

ever been fisted? always been my fantasy…are you up to it?

To: pers-887058891@craigslist.org
Subject: DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ME - m4m - 24 (Chelsea)

Let you piss in my mouth and watch ur hole open while u take a shit
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I WANT 150 CASH AND I WANT TO FUCK YOUR MOUTH HARD TODAY…LEAVE # SLUT

To: pers-887058891@craigslist.org
Subject: DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ME - m4m - 24 (Chelsea)

This is Master J. I am a very experienced S&M Master, 49, 250#, 6 ft, who is looking for a slaveboy to train and play with. I do not do scat or blood, otherwise, anything goes. I am drug and disease free and live in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, right off the R train. Among the things that turn me on are oral service and domination. Other turn-ons include CBT, bondage, hot wax, kissing, hugging, TT, ass work. If you are ready to kneel in front of me, suck my cock and then get into some kinky action, e mail me. If you are a beginner, do not worry; I am used to training slaves and go very slowly. I’m interested in getting together, not endless e mail exchanges. I am very serious about what I do and hope you are also

To: pers-887058891@craigslist.org
Subject: DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ME - m4m - 24 (Chelsea)
I got a guy who’s looking to wrestle and subdue a guy in front of me, making u submit to my pleasure while i watch.

actually i would LOVE to watch you fuck my fiancee and impregnate her. she has been off birth control for 4 months now and is at her most fertile for the next 4 days.

To: pers-887058891@craigslist.org
Subject: DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ME - m4m - 24 (Chelsea)

hi guy,

I want you to be my slave tonight I want you to lick my asshole balls feet and I want you to put me in the shower and wash my body nice and make it very clean then you will rimm my asshole and lick my balls and make me cum all over your face let me know when and were we can do this

I want to suck that dick while you lay on the hood of my car on Randall’s island in the middle of the night. now if u have something crazier than this let me know.

What if I was to have you eat out of my hand?
You could only speak when spoken too and ask to get off our knees.

I will show you. You will like it.

I also want you to bend over on all fours so I can lube your asshole with my toe.
Then I will see whats next….

To: pers-887058891@craigslist.org
Subject: here’s the scene

I want to dress you up like a girl, and treat you like shit, then rape you. im 20.

To: pers-887058891@craigslist.org
Subject: DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ME - m4m - 24 (Chelsea)

what about just plain ole fucking