Date: 2011-10-19, 12:31PM EDT
Reply to: gigs-9d6nz-2657515920@craigslist.org

Brookfield Properties has recently received a 2.4 million dollar grant to clear out their Privately Owned Public Space (POPS) at Zucotti Park. NYPD doesn’t want to be involved for PR reasons, so Brookfield has contracted Hazell Security LTD to remove the protesters.

We need two teams of 20-24 to help with the job. We’re looking for able-bodied men ages 22-45 with experience in dealing with crowds/riots/insurgencies. Prior criminal convictions are not a problem. Pay is 1200 under the table for the whole job plus a 200 dollar equipment/clothing stipend. Facemasks to be provided. Please no labels visible on anything. No talking to the press.

Thursday night we meet for a quick runthrough, then Friday night we do a clean sweep. Automatic assumption of resistance is in effect, so feel free to throw your weight around a bit. None of them are going to miss a tooth BUT PLEASE NO PUNCTURE WOUNDS.

Please message ASAP. Include age, weight, specific experience, and material/equipment requests. Keep in mind that this is the kind of job that requires some enthusiasm.

Edit – only 8 or so slots left

Replies

To: gigs-qg92m-2657287261@craigslist.org
Subject: Able Body Man

Good Morning, Ladies and Gents,
My name is [redacted] and I am looking for work. As you can see from my resume I have much experiences working in an environment that demand physical labor. I am 6ft 4in and 300lbs. Due to my height and weight I can lift heavy object and I can also reach high places. I am a quick learner and I take my job very seriously. My job is my bread and butter and this is how I support my family. I am looking for someone to give me the opportunity to show my skills and my determination in making their company a success. Down below is my resume. If u have any question please feel free to call or email for more information.

THANK YOU and HAVE A BLESSED DAY.

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To: gigs-qg92m-2657287261@craigslist.org
Subject: BASHIN’ SKULLS

Age: 24
Weight: 160
Experience: MMA and boxing experience. Ex- Competitor (6-2), Security guard for 4 years at sketchy metal and hip hop clubs. Riot Experience! And yes, I’ve been maced (BEAR MACED)
Equipment requests: Stipend to Include Facemask/canvas gloves. No weapons. No press.

Let’s rage my brothers.
-JR

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To: gigs-qg92m-2657287261@craigslist.org
Subject: Hired muscle needed to break up Occupy Wall Street (Downtown)

Please call me, im an alabama boy and it smells like pigs in the park, im down for roundin em up@

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To: gigs-qg92m-2657287261@craigslist.org
Subject: Hired muscle needed to break up Occupy Wall Street (Downtown)

Listen I’m from the projects of the lower east side “THE HOOD” I know the baddest guys in my neighborhood I could bring a team of 20 that’s not gonna play no games. Straight making paths simple.

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To: gigs-qg92m-2657287261@craigslist.org
Subject: Hired muscle needed to break up Occupy Wall Street (Downtown)

I am a 35 year old roofer, I weigh 220 and am 6’1″. I’m very intimidating, I have lots of ink, even my head, please give me a call.
Thank You, [redacted]

---

To: gigs-qg92m-2657287261@craigslist.org
Subject: Hired muscle needed to break up Occupy Wall Street (Downtown)

I’m going to need some steel toe boots, a baton mouth guard NFL style and a helmet with a visor because you know that Thier going to throw shit and piss,so it’s not going to be easy but I’m ready!

---

To: gigs-qg92m-2657287261@craigslist.org
Subject: Hired muscle needed to break up Occupy Wall Street (Downtown)

Greetings!

I am writing in reply to your ad; Hired muscle needed to break up Occupy Wall Street (Downtown)

I am an able bodied 27 year old. Currently 224lbs.I have experience as security at night clubs in Brooklyn and one in the city. I am a combat veteran of the U.S. Marine Corps. I have experience in aiding with the dispersion of crowds and tour of duty in Iraq dealing with insurgencies. Furthermore, I have no problem with not talking to the press.

Aside from the face masks will any protective gear be provided, or is that what the stipend is to cover? I await your reply and look forward to Thursday night.

---

To: gigs-qg92m-2657287261@craigslist.org
Subject: Hired muscle needed to break up Occupy Wall Street (Downtown)

Good morning,

I’m a 38 year old United States Marine Corps Veteran. Served with the Security Force Battalion out of Norfolk, VA. Pass experience with green peace protesters and over seas duties including Somalia with the 15th MEU. I was also a bounty hunter for [redacted]. I’m 6′-3″ and weigh 210 lbs. I’m fully capable of this project without causing any harm to civilians. I know how to get the job done right. Equipment needed is a riot shield, helmet with shield, kevlar gloves, possibly tie wraps, wire cutters (in case protesters tie themselves to an object or themselves and possibly bolt cutters for chain and locks (to be kept near premises). I’ve toured the site and they seem to have quite a bit of equipment there like clothing, water, food…etc. They seem to be in for the long haul. Please consider me for your selection process. Thank you,

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To: gigs-qg92m-2657287261@craigslist.org
Subject: Hired muscle needed to break up Occupy Wall Street (Downtown)

Saw your job opening on Craigslist.org. The opening for hired muscle to take care of those protesters? I’m height weight proportionate (6’5, 260 pounds), I’ve studied Krav Maga and I was born and raised in the school of hard knocks (the Bronx) and that’s experience enough. Supply me with a baton and some mace and I’ll clear them out real quick.

---

To: gigs-qg92m-2657287261@craigslist.org
Subject: Hired muscle needed to break up Occupy Wall Street (Downtown)

[redacted].
24 yrs old
195 pounds
6 feet tall
highschool football
private securtity gigs
experience with large crowds and have experienced riots before.
im mentally and physically capable of carrying out this mission.

---

To: gigs-qg92m-2657287261@craigslist.org
Subject: Hired muscle needed to break up Occupy Wall Street (Downtown)

Interested in hired muscle gig. I have done security for over 3 years and also have MMA(mixed martial arts) training. I am 22 years old, 5’7, and 165 pounds. The only equipment I would need are leather gloves. I also would be able to bring a friend along who also has security experience and trains with me in MMA. I am available and can start immediately. Contact at [redacted].

---

To: gigs-qg92m-2657287261@craigslist.org
Subject: Hired muscle needed to break up Occupy Wall Street (Downtown)

I WOULD BE GLAD TO HELP SIX FOOR 205 FIT MILITARY TRAINING, MEAN MO FO

---

To: gigs-qg92m-2657287261@craigslist.org
Subject: Hired muscle needed to break up Occupy Wall Street (Downtown)

Hello my name is [redacted], I have served in the British Army for six years. I have been in four wars and I’m still ticking. I have been a part of crowd/riot and hostile civilian control on my tours. I’m 5’9″ and 195lbs. I have worked as a personal trainer and run and workout every day. On this issue I take no sides. My only mission is to get the job done. I require a riot helmet and body padding/sparing gear. Cheers!

---

To: gigs-qg92m-2657287261@craigslist.org
Subject: Hired muscle needed to break up Occupy Wall Street (Downtown)

I have worked as a private security contractor for blackwater (now XE) and aerotech in iraq, outside the greenzone, as well as in it. I know how to suppress civilians without upsetting the press, and have worked stateside as a force provocateur for several protests across the northwest.

Can provide references and full resume on request.

-[redacted]

Date: 2011-04-16, 7:55PM EDT
Reply to: pers-ckpmt-2329640159@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

This is an ad for the T-Mobile Girl. If you are the T-Mobile Girl, if you know the T-Mobile Girl and could inform me of her whereabouts, or if you own T-Mobile, please continue reading. Otherwise please close this ad and have a nice day.

T-Mobile Girl, I love you. I love you. These mere words are hollow compared to the feeling itself.

I saw you in an ad during an episode of The Big Bang Theory a couple of months ago. Struck. Cupid and his arrows, straight through my television screen! I immediately went out and bought an Android myTouch 4G, assuming that your number and email address would come preprogrammed. No luck. I called customer service to ask for you, but I think your roommates kept answering. I demanded, firmly but politely, to please be connected to the T-Mobile Girl, and but they acted as though they did not know you. How could anyone not know you?! It’s like not knowing about space or the number 3. I went into a few T-Mobile stores to see which one you were working in. Eventually they started putting up photos of me and would tell me to leave (you would be so impressed if you knew how many male employees it took to loosen my grip from the base of the display case). I think that nobody wants me to come close to you.

Where is T-Mobile hiding you? Is it cold there, on your endless white plane? Are you sad or lonely, hungry or ill? Do you hide from the Progressive car insurance lady? I can take care of you! I’ll fulfill all your needs and protect your ceaselessly pink and sunny disposition. We can explore this great world as we explore each other.

Or are you maybe a digital creation designed by T-Mobile? A perfect simulacra, fashioned bit by bit in order to sell phones and inspire souls? Like a Slimer or a Gollum, only crafted with the beauty of a goddess? If so, your creator has the heart of a Michaelangelo because you are a masterpiece. All the better if you have no corporeal existence because then your breeziness will never wane with age. Though my mortal body can only last for a geological instant, I can be the TAGATCGA to your 11010011. Love with zero lag, zero latency. Lossless love in real time, streaming from the cloud. Just tell me where to plug in or log on, and I will be with you in your perfectly white digital construct, immediately and forever.

Or maybe you are a spectral projection of the dreams that haunt me? Or a ghost captured by T-Mobile and forced into slavery until you have sold a certain number of phones? It doesn’t matter, T-Mobile Girl. I will love you, material or immaterial.

I wrote this poem for you. Please let it enter squarely into your soul. Please.

Wanted wanted: Cell Phone Girl
Hair: Brown, Reach: Global.
Your dress is pink, your skin is pearl.
Employer: God, or T-Mobile.

Your face, your ads, I skip a beat
From Wall Street to the Cloisters.
I long to know your body’s heat,
To smell your hidden moistures.

In spite of all the times I dial,
It says your lines are busy.
The Verizon guy wears his smile,
He’s not your boyfriend, is he?

La seule chose que j’écrirai,
Si vous promettez de pas rire:
Vous êtes ma raison d’aspirer,
Vous êtes ma raison de mourir.

My call is dropping, Cell Phone Girl
And my signal is sporadic,
And I shall be dumped where antennae curl,
And the rest is clicks and static.

Date: 2011-04-12, 10:33AM EDT
Reply to: gigs-auwhj-2319939957@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

We are looking for a nationally-recognized Halo player to move in to in our apartment and play Halo with our son, Sam (iLuvSoccer221), for 50+ hours per week. Our previous tutor, x|xGravyBabyx|x, silver medalist in the in the 2009 Halo 3 MLG Doritos Pro Gaming Combine, is leaving for Oakland to conduct pro bono Halo workshops for at-risk inner city youths. Due to the rigorous demands of Sam’s career and an uncompromising school system, we have decided to pull him from the 7th grade. He receives a “traditional” education in mathematics and reading on weekends and if there is time left over after the day’s Halo curriculum has been reviewed, and his lessons are prioritized based on their applicability to his gaming.

Our objective is to have Sam to rank among the top 100 Halo players worldwide by age 14. Unfortunately, due to the sorry state of E-Sports in our country, he has been left to play catch up. As anyone with a cursory knowledge of competitive gaming knows, the Korean video game farm system identifies promising young Halo players between the ages of 3 and 4 through a forced battery of reflex, dexterity, and psychological tests. By age 7 they are beating the best 20-year-old American and European players. By age 16, they are being put out to stud until their natural life span comes to a close at 19. Studies show a steady increase in Korean gamer thumb size, an enhanced immunity to deep vein thrombosis due to extended sitting, and a sharp downtick in the frequency of blinking. Because our child was not born with these genetic advantages, the only possible way for him to achieve Halo parity is through extensive training.

TEACHING REQUIREMENTS:
- 8+ years prior Halo experience
- Placed at at least one national level professional gaming competition (accepted leagues include Major League Gaming, Cyberathlete Professional League, World Cyber Games, and Electronic Sports World Cup).
- No prior criminal convictions

Our weekday schedule break down as follows:

8:00 am – 11:00 am: Aiming drills, flashing light desensitization program
11:00 am – 11:30 am: Map visualization exercises
11:30 am – 12:15 pm: Weapons and tech
12:15 pm – 12:45 pm: Lunch break
12:45 pm – 2:00 pm: Tactics and Advanced Halo Theory
2:00 pm – 3:00 pm: History (This is one of Sam’s weak areas. His knowledge of the evolution Covenant arms and armor has held him back for too long.)
3:00 pm – 3:30 pm: English (trashtalking, optimum ‘faggot’ utilization)
3:30 pm – 4:00 pm: Recreation time (Grifball)
4:00 pm – 4:05 pm: Walk outside for a bit
4:05 pm – 7:00 pm: Online play
7:00 pm – 7:30 pm: Debriefing and analysis of online play
7:30 pm – 8:30 pm: Dinner (Redbull, balanced carbohydrate cubes, protein-rich slurry)
8:30 pm – 9:30 pm: Creativity hour (fan fiction writing, map creation in Forge)
9:30 pm – 10:15 pm: Community outreach (writing on bungie.net forums, pro gamer networking events)
10:15 pm – 11:15 pm: Reading, writing, math, etc.
11:15 pm – 12:00 am: Free play, then bed

Please note that we have removed all windows from the Gaming Center (formerly Sam’s bedroom) in order to preempt any wistful stares. Discipline should not be a problem.

First semester reading list: Brady Games’ Halo: Reach Legendary Edition Guide (WE DO NOT ALLOW PRIMA STRATEGY GUIDES IN OUR HOUSE), Sun Tzu’s Art of War, Halo: Fall of Reach by Brian Reed, Halo: Fall of Reach Bootcamp Nos. 1 – 3 by Brian Reed and Felix Ruiz, Infantry Attacks by Erwin Rommel, Ghosts of Onyx (Halo) by Eric S. Nylund, Halo: Cryptum, Books 1 – 3 of the Forerunner Saga by Gregory Bear.

We understand this is a heavy reading load, but Sam’s fluency in Halo satellite works is currently sub par and we believe these books would help him maximize his killing potential.

If you are interested, please submit a cover letter, resume, list of references, and your XBOX Live Gamertag. We will be conducting first round interviews in the upcoming weeks. Compensation is highly competitive: 50 K+ per year (commensurate with prior Halo gaming and teaching experience) plus benefits and free housing in a desirable Manhattan neighborhood.

Replies

gigs-auwhj-2319939957@craigslist.org
Subject: Halo tutor

Hi,

Before I send along my info I would like to know: (1) is there any probationary period before I am eligible for benefits and, if so, how long? (2) the specific neighborhood you’re in, preferably with some photos of both the main living areas, my living quarters, and Sam’s game space.

Thank you.

-Michael

Date: 2011-03-28, 10:34PM EDT
Reply to: pers-s8anm-2292550602@craigslist.org

You: Cute brunette with a pixie cut living on West 107th Street
Me: Grad student at Columbia University’s Lamont-Doherty Earth Observatory with access to extremely high powered telescopes.

I was recently calibrating a spherical segmented mirror array telescope when I noticed you in your window from my observatory here in Palisades. All the sensors started going crazy, indicating some kind of climatic anomaly from inside the lab. The tech boys called it a malfuction, but to me the causality is clear: It was love.

I’m not really certain how to identify you because I have only been able to collect certain pieces of data: I was able to commandeer a tsunami monitoring satellite to monitor any movements you might be making, but I’ve been confounded by your low water content (70%). I sent an intern to have Rhodamine-W dye tracer injected into the coffee at the Oren’s near your block, but I guess you go to Starbucks because I’ve been tracking about 90 or so false positives. If it helps, a couple days ago the chemical spectrograph scanners did detect a notable series of small gaseous emissions of CO2, N, and CH4. It’s okay, we all do it ;-)

So what I’ve been able to figure out so far is: You have a pixie haircut and live on 107th street. The seismographs have determined that your average walking pace is about 1.7 steps per second and you weigh between 48 and 56 kilograms. Your body has a natural frequency of 2.28 hz and you have harmonic damping ratios of 49.2% (clothed) and 48.8% (unclothed). Your apartment building seems to have been built on 2.9 m of glacial till layered over 80ksf capacity Manhattan schist (your landlord should be able to help with this). I’ve only been able to see atmospheric and magnetospheric disturbances associated with one person in your house, so with a confidence interval of 0.97, I’d conclude that you are single.

I do not know if this will work, but crazier things have happened on this planet. I should know, I’ve seen them.

Also, a warning: Even if you choose not to reply to this post, most of my equipment was meant to track long term seismic deflections, not individual human activities. Please take some potassium iodide tablets.

Date: 2011-03-14, 12:58AM EDT
Reply to: pers-bvtey-2264125401@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Do you find me comely? Is it truth?

Quiero mi venganza.

PostingID: 2264125401

Replies

pers-bvtey-2264125401@craigslist.org
Subject: will need to reveal if you happen to be a real fellow

hi there i am showing an interest, so what did you have in mind?

pers-bvtey-2264125401@craigslist.org
Subject: Do you find me comely? – m4w – 41 (Downtown)

Hi, I am Alice,
Are you from Downtown? Our towns are so close!

pers-bvtey-2264125401@craigslist.org
Subject: Hey

trying to find a BLACK man for nsa fun. you need to be disease, smoke, and drug free. no exceptions. please send your face pic and i will send you mine.

pers-bvtey-2264125401@craigslist.org
Subject: Do you find me comely? – m4w – 41 (Downtown)

Please tell me what this means.

Date: 2011-02-23, 8:03 PM EST
Reply to: comm-njege-2231363458@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Hello, I am looking to give away a disgraced purebred Boston Terrier. It is a female. It responds to Sasha and its stage name Ezra “Quotation” Mark. It may not remember these names anymore because I haven’t said a word to it since February 14 and because it is stupid. It is four years old.

Over the years, I have pumped tens of thousands of dollars into manicures, laser eye treatments, and canine orthodontics for this creature. In return, I expected it would at least place at Westminster. At its debut, the dog trotted five steps down the astroturf and took a big wet dump in front of 5000 of the world’s most influential dog breeders and then ate it and played in it. Then it sprinted to a table of judges and licked all their faces with its fecal tongue and finally it went up to the five year old daughter of the president of the AKC and urinated on her thigh. My dog and I were cuffed and led outside where it had a full blown seizure. There is a 25 page article dedicated to this event in the March 2011 issue of Dog Fancy. Westminster has hired a PR firm to deal with the fallout.

I’ll throw in the $300 shampoo I used at shows, a bunch of dog tiaras, dog mints (ok for human consumption), and its dewormer for free. Also you can have its 8.5″x11″ glossy headshots and all the pads of paw signature ink. I gave all of its outfits to Goodwill. I don’t care. I am just sick of the idiot look this thing gives me with those big wet eyes like it wants me to acknowledge it. I do not love it anymore.

I don’t know why this happened but frankly I do not care to find out. The dog’s veteriarian probably would not answer my phone calls even if I tried. I want this dog out of my life and if you can find some reason to love it or if you can squeeze some utility out of it, more power to you.

Shots are up to date.

Replies

To: comm-njege-2231363458@craigslist.org
Subject: Boston Terrier

Hello,
I will come get her tomorrow!

What is your dogs AKC number and registered name?

if there is truly a dog to adopt–ill take him. no stage mom me. :-)[phone number redacted]

We would love to take Sasha home. We do not need any of her photos, tiaras, or anything for her… we have anything she would need for a loving home. We would love to get her a.s.a.p. Please call me at [phone number redacted].
Thank you so much

I HOPE THE DOG TAKES A WET SHIT ON YOUR FACE WHILE YOU ARE SLEEPING, YOU STUPID, SELFISH, MORON!!!

Date: 2011-02-20, 4:38PM EST
Reply to: pers-sbfp8-2225104710@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I’m 36 yo single mother of two with number three on the way. I’m 8 and a half months pregnant right now and I’m just about ready to pop! I’m a believer in ecstatic birth, which says that giving birth is the most soulful sex act possible. I have felt it in person: When I homebirthed my last son, Phoenix, I avoided all the sterile and unnatural elements of a hospital operating room. Giving birth in my bathtub, I was free to allow wave after wave of orgasm roll over me, peaking just as his soul slid out of my canal. As my son came, so too did I.

I have consulted with my spiritual midwife and she has agreed that for baby number 3 I could take things a bit further: I want a man to come and share the joy of birth by making love to my anus as my child crowns. I have already experienced anal penetration and I have already experienced orgasmic birth. Now it is time to combine these two sexual activities and absolutely maximize the sacred sexual potential of my body’s portals. As one exits, another enters.

Any man replying to this ad must be okay with entering himself into me, deeply, me while I bring a life into this world. You should also know birthing is a long process, and I’ve always felt that the baby will arrive only when he/she is ready, so the ability to maintain a state of extreme arousal for a good long time is a must. This sexual birth will of course take place in the presence of my spiritual midwife Mana, my parents, a few neighbors, my two other children, and at least one video recorder (so that the new baby can watch his/her own birth later in life.) You should know that a newborn also comes with a lot of presents (placenta, afterbirth, blood), so if having anal sex in the presence of these natural things is upsetting to you, please do not reply to this ad.

Remember: Your role is a sacred one. After the analling and birth is complete you will be welcomed into the family as a godfather of the child.

Please send a picture and I’ll be in touch :)

Lune

Replies

pers-sbfp8-2225104710@craigslist.org
Subject: re: Anal sex me while I give birth

While I admit this is uncharted terrain for me, fuck it – I’m game! ;-)

Reply with your pics if you like what you see and are still interested.

Date: 2011-02-10, 11:40PM EST
Reply to: sale-tddhq-2208384655@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I am selling a used 8GB iPhone 4 stolen from the actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I nabbed this one of a kind phone from a film set in Manhattan while JGL was filming some kind of bicycle movie. Keep in mind that when you buy this you are not only getting the regular features of an iPhone 4, but also the extras that come with a phone formerly owned and operated by Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Contacts:
Get all of JGL’s contacts. There’s a John in here. Could it be John Grisham? Jon Stewart except JGL spelled his name wrong? Itsall yours to discover. There’s also a listing for Tyler. Could be Mary “Tyler” Moore? You get to find out when you buy JGL’s iPhone 4. You can also call “Ma” and pretend to be JGL though this will probably only work once.

Photos:
Not a ton of photos in here, but there are a few good ones. One is of a black man and Joseph Gordon Levitt embracing ata dance establishment. Visions of racial harmony. Also there is a humorous photo that looks to be taken by JGL of a subway station sign “CANAL STREET” that has been graffitied to read “ANAL TREET.”

Music:
Some good tunes in here. You are basically getting $100 of music for free, plus the knowledge that this exact MP3 of All my Friends by LCD SOundsystem has been pumped into JGL’s ears (It’s the most played song).

Browser:
Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Safari app is full of his old search information including searches for “huge gun,” “momofuku ssam bar nyc,” “yelp review totonno’s pizza,”, and “cross section of a dog” Many good searches in here for you to scroll through.

Text Messages:
LOTTA interesting texts. Couple from from JGL to his brother just sayin what’s up and then the next day it seems like his brother burned himself fire dancing so then there are some expressions of true JGL concern. Literally hundreds from some dude named “Yoki Angel” that are basically a bunch of weird emoticons i’ve never seen before. I’ll show you more in person.

Calculator:
Contains the number 544. Maybe his bank code ;)

Angry Birds:
Try and beat JGL’s high score it’s basically like playing against him in person

The price is $150. The phone will work until ehwnever JGL shuts the service down remotely.

UPDATE: This iPhone 4 now contains a very rare furious voicemail from Joseph Gordon-Levitt himself!!

Date: 2011-01-27, 11:11PM EST
Reply to: pers-gb3uz-2187809201@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

I am a 21yo redhead and I want to get FUCKED. NOW.

Regular sex has gotten too boring. I’m sick of just hair pulling and fisting, I want to do something REALLY weird and fetishy and maybe make someone’s night. Use my body like a fuckdoll, tattoo your name on my tits, I don’t care I just want it TONIGHT. Please be specific with requests or I won’t respond.

I’m on 37th and Madison. Will travel but not too far.

[Photo of beautiful naked redhead]

Replies

To: pers-gb3uz-2187809201@craigslist.org
Subject:

How about a forced anal rape fantasy come alive.  Are you still looking…

sure loved to tattoo your tits with my name bent you into a pretzel fuck you in the ass fist you and choke you all at the same time and then give you a major face fucking and bust my nut all over your face and the do it all over again if you want.

I open the door, you are on all fours.  You don’t move.  You don’t do anything unless I say.  You are an object.

how about some hot bro/sis incest roll play with a nasty golden shower and hot JO session in your mouth, I can bring a friend if you like 2 on 1

would you tie your hair in a pigtail

Hi, 
I’m 31, but look younger and I’m a single white male marketing professional. I’m 6’3″ tall, long brown hair, dark brown eyes, medium build, very good looking. 
I would like to try some of the following: anal rimming, unprotected sex ending in a creampie, and giving and recieving golden showers.
I live in Jersey City, so I can take the PATH train to midtown in 40 min door to door if you want me to come over. But, I can host at my place too!
 I’m into listening to Psytrance music, watching independent movies, psychedelic art and books. Check out my picture…my number is [removed]..call or email me directions,
Sincerely,
[removed]

I love a dirty whore that things she’s into everything kinky well how bout rape play. I want your address and tell me when your usually home leave the rest to me ill trick me way in and rape the shit out of you if your truely a freak you’ll love it I might even leave you tied and gagged and invite some friends or random guys to use you too. If this is what you like let me know well set it up. I have done this before aand loved it. We will have a code word so you know your not really being raped and a safe word if it gets to be too much for you.

I’ll put a baseball bat in ur ass while i’ll make you suck my dick and you are pushing back against wall to make the bat go deeper in your ass.

hi my name is [removed] !! first of all you’re ad is really nice it caught me so far so i will go straight to the point, and i will touch base from all my nature’s a bit and we can discussed everything specific soon, would you considered, i’m 28yo,5/10 w/144 nice almost 8” slim e-z going guy i can say i’m a very loyal guy.,and very respectful ,i would be my honer to get to know you and comfortable to each other and  and im DD free i can show prove for that i have done ALLL kinda kinky stuff whatsoever im into ANYTHING as long it is kinky ,,,
i like mostly the same just general going out and inside fun as well o i’m not pushy type at all,i like to take thinks step by step, making sure every1 is comfortable with, the most caught in you’r ad is cause you like to be very genuine and a nice personalty well to be honest i toke some massage classes a while ago I’m not that professional but i definitely know how to give a nice massage and relax your bones and so on so just keep in mind it this add some points for me if not its cool,
 to be more honest, I’m Jewish orthodox hope you don’t mind, if u do i respect that, (sound a bit more kinky to do it with an a religious guy though
im working guy on my on own schedule working in financing for life insurance
I live in williamsbug  I drive, well please feel free to ask any questions as well ,hope to qualified ,,,
thanks for you’re time ,and appreciate you’re reply
reply if it’s ok will go from there

If you like I’ll give you my # for us to get to know each other looking.foward thx

please. i need help. the moon will not stop following me. i have tried so hard to get away from it. i have moved five times.

i am lance armstrong’s second cousin. this sounds a lot like neil armstrong. the moon mistakenly believes that i am related to the astronaut. it is trying to take revenge on all armstrongs after neil had the hubris to believe he could claim it for himself in 1969. i did no harm to this moon. i did not stab it in the face with a flag.

the moon can see through clouds. it knows all my secrets.

i masturbated last week and did not close the curtain. the moon saw me touch myself, and now i have a shame.

i screamed at a fat man last week because i was angry at him. i did it during daylight. i did not know that the moon can be seen at times during the day. this was ambush.

i am scared that the moon will tell my friends and my parents and my little sister all my secrets. it will use morse code to do this or use a tide.

it needs to stop. please. sometimes it comes closer. i have tried to contact nasa about it, but i think they have blocked my phone number and my email address.

please, if you are an astronomer who has a direct line of contact with the moon, or an astro/cosmonaut with a scheduled moon landing in the near future, PLEASE contact me. i cannot give you a lot but my gratitude. i do not want you to threaten the moon at first. try to reason with it. ask if what i did wrong, why it won’t leave me alone.

if this does not work, however, then you are to scare it until it vacates the sky. tell it that we will colonize it. tell it that we will terraform it or strip it of its virgin ores.

if the moon does not listen, we are to use a laser to destroy it.

do not read this post outdoors or near an open window or a photograph of the moon. the moon has learned to read.

contact me.