new york craigslist > personals > missed connections
Date: 2011-03-28, 10:34PM EDT
Reply to: pers-s8anm-2292550602@craigslist.org
You: Cute brunette with a pixie cut living on West 107th Street
Me: Grad student at Columbia University’s Lamont-Doherty Earth Observatory with access to extremely high powered telescopes.
I was recently calibrating a spherical segmented mirror array telescope when I noticed you in your window from my observatory here in Palisades. All the sensors started going crazy, indicating some kind of climatic anomaly from inside the lab. The tech boys called it a malfuction, but to me the causality is clear: It was love.
I’m not really certain how to identify you because I have only been able to collect certain pieces of data: I was able to commandeer a tsunami monitoring satellite to monitor any movements you might be making, but I’ve been confounded by your low water content (70%). I sent an intern to have Rhodamine-W dye tracer injected into the coffee at the Oren’s near your block, but I guess you go to Starbucks because I’ve been tracking about 90 or so false positives. If it helps, a couple days ago the chemical spectrograph scanners did detect a notable series of small gaseous emissions of CO2, N, and CH4. It’s okay, we all do it ;-)
So what I’ve been able to figure out so far is: You have a pixie haircut and live on 107th street. The seismographs have determined that your average walking pace is about 1.7 steps per second and you weigh between 48 and 56 kilograms. Your body has a natural frequency of 2.28 hz and you have harmonic damping ratios of 49.2% (clothed) and 48.8% (unclothed). Your apartment building seems to have been built on 2.9 m of glacial till layered over 80ksf capacity Manhattan schist (your landlord should be able to help with this). I’ve only been able to see atmospheric and magnetospheric disturbances associated with one person in your house, so with a confidence interval of 0.97, I’d conclude that you are single.
I do not know if this will work, but crazier things have happened on this planet. I should know, I’ve seen them.
Also, a warning: Even if you choose not to reply to this post, most of my equipment was meant to track long term seismic deflections, not individual human activities. Please take some potassium iodide tablets.