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Date: 2011-01-23, 2:09AM EST
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
please. i need help. the moon will not stop following me. i have tried so hard to get away from it. i have moved five times.
i am lance armstrong’s second cousin. this sounds a lot like neil armstrong. the moon mistakenly believes that i am related to the astronaut. it is trying to take revenge on all armstrongs after neil had the hubris to believe he could claim it for himself in 1969. i did no harm to this moon. i did not stab it in the face with a flag.
the moon can see through clouds. it knows all my secrets.
i masturbated last week and did not close the curtain. the moon saw me touch myself, and now i have a shame.
i screamed at a fat man last week because i was angry at him. i did it during daylight. i did not know that the moon can be seen at times during the day. this was ambush.
i am scared that the moon will tell my friends and my parents and my little sister all my secrets. it will use morse code to do this or use a tide.
it needs to stop. please. sometimes it comes closer. i have tried to contact nasa about it, but i think they have blocked my phone number and my email address.
please, if you are an astronomer who has a direct line of contact with the moon, or an astro/cosmonaut with a scheduled moon landing in the near future, PLEASE contact me. i cannot give you a lot but my gratitude. i do not want you to threaten the moon at first. try to reason with it. ask if what i did wrong, why it won’t leave me alone.
if this does not work, however, then you are to scare it until it vacates the sky. tell it that we will colonize it. tell it that we will terraform it or strip it of its virgin ores.
if the moon does not listen, we are to use a laser to destroy it.
do not read this post outdoors or near an open window or a photograph of the moon. the moon has learned to read.