new york craigslist > manhattan > gigs > domestic gigs

Date: 2010-01-26, 1:03AM EST
Reply to: gigs-wg3dg-1572562730@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Every mother out there knows how much trouble it is to have kids. You spend nine sleepless months listening to the surrogate mother calling you and screaming some moon language in your ear like, “”Боже мой живот болит!” Then, after all the mess goes away, the baby is delivered to you and you get to enjoy your new child. But even these few weeks of novelty eventually erode into an endless stream of chores and crying. It just gets in the way of everything decent you want to do with your life.

So I have these two terrible kids, Kelly and Tyler, and I am just sick of dealing with their shit. God they’re wretched. I did well on my own for awhile, but I guess you’re no longer allowed to drop kids off at the Met at 8 AM and pick them up again at 8 PM. So I’m looking to pay someone to take care of them - someone to make sure they have the best childhood a mother can give them without giving them a mother.

A few things you should know about this job:

Kelly is 8 and a girl and Tyler is 6 and a boy and one of them likes drinking orange soda. The girl one isn’t allowed to touch her toys because they’re all priceless collectibles and are to remain IN BOX AT ALL TIMES. Her training heels start at 3.5 inches and I hope to graduate her to 5 inches by the end of the year.

They both have some kind of Autism where they can’t touch plastic or they just start screaming in a goddamn high pitched way at just the right frequency to make everyone at Bloomingdales just STOP EVERYTHING and look over at you. They also don’t like being hit so make sure to use that your advantage. And one of them is allergic to bees or powder or something.

Any candidate for this job must have a Masters Degree from a top tier university. Nothing but the best for my offspring. I also expect the children to become fluent in French, so make sure this gets done by you. Please note that I have done nothing to facilitate this learning process.

I will have my cell phone on at all times so you can call me if anything happens. My number is 9-1-1.

Pay: $4/hour + Lunchables